Twilight

Kelly and I were laughing about how bad Twilight is. I have only read the first one. Kelly told me I do not know bad until I read the 4th one. That’s a big time commitment just to read something awful but I am warped enough to enjoy putrid books, too.

Live Tweeting Twilight:

I don’t need my protagonists to be perfect. Or good. Or happy. Deeply flawed is fine with me. But I don’t see why a female author had to make her female protagonist be unable to walk from Point A to Point B without constantly tripping over her own feet.

Edward Cullen is good looking. Stephenie Meyer just told me. Just like she told me two pages ago. And ten pages ago. And twelve pages ago. Why does she think her readership has the attention span of gnats?

Edward has to carry her, has to put her seatbelt on for her, has to tell her when to eat and sleep. I so want Hermione Granger to show up and kick his ass.

Edward Cullen is good looking again.

Bella can’t talk about herself without putting herself down. I’m too dumb. I’m too clumsy. I’m not good enough. Grow a backbone, Bella.

When one is writing dialogue, it’s “said.” Period. He said. She said. I can understand an occasional “whispered” or “screamed” to paint the picture, but no “commented.” No “declared.” No “avowed.” Said. That’s it. She has no trouble getting flowery with her dialogue verbs, but 75% of the rest of the book is “was.” He was. She was. Blah, blah, blah. Use a thesaurus, Stephenie. A thousand other verbs can replace “to be.” And she’ll start a sentence in past tense and finish it in present. Syntax, Stephenie, syntax. It’s as if she never took a writing class. How did this pabulum get passed an editor? Of course, she is laughing all the way to the bank so what do I know? Except, an entire generation of kids and young adults and their parents who borrowed the books just finished JK Rowling. No one will ever confuse JK with Tolstoy, but she knows her way around a blank piece of paper. She’s bright and imaginative ( remember how you felt when you found out the pictures could move?) , the books brilliantly got darker as Harry and his audience aged. And you knew from the final battle with Voldemort, that she knew where her story was going all along. (Calling Damon Lindelof.) She set that plot point up in Book One. “Please don’t compare Stephenie Meyer to JK Rowling,” I attested.

Pop quiz, Hotshot. We have seven vampires safely together in a house, with two vampires outside, one of whom has his sites set on killing Bella. What do you do? You have a vampire guard Bella and have the other six go out and kill the two. Not our gal Stephenie. She separates them, including separating Edward from Bella, the one person who would stop at nothing to keep her safe. She takes Bella outside of the safety of many protectors, including one who can read minds and another who can see the future. Stephenie thought of her big ending in the ballet studio first, then gave no thought how to logically get Bella there. It is fine to write your heroine into trouble just so you can write them back out of it, but you have to give it more than five minutes of thought.

I don’t care that she made them sparkle in the sun instead of dying in it. I don’t mind they don’t sleep in coffins. I don’t even care she gave them superpowers. I don’t believe Bram Stoker gets to set all the rules for a fictional entity for all eternity. The author is allowed leeway. BUT, once you set the rules in your own story, you’re stuck with them. Bella pretended she was speaking to her mother when it was James on the phone. She said she was going to write a letter to her Mom but wrote a goodbye letter to Edward instead. She broke away from her protectors at the airport, and Alice, with her ability to see the future, saw NONE OF THAT. How convenient, Stephenie.

She can’t write for shit. On to New Moon!

Stephenie broke out an Etruscan reference. I’m more than mildly impressed.

When is this dopey girl going to stop moping?

Boy Meets Girl. Not just any boy, but one so overbearingly overprotective that he’s more dad than boyfriend. And one who can’t stop nagging her over everything. And not just any girl, but one who constantly says, “I’m not good enough for you, I’m not pretty enough for you, I am nothing, I’m just a human,” They both overlook these annoying qualities in the other because teenage lust is a powerful thing.

Boy Dumps Girl. Bella can’t eat. She can’t sleep. She stares out the window unable to function. For months. And months and months. The only way out is suicide. But then she comes out of it once Jacob starts paying attention to her.

Stephenie Meyer’s lesson: A girl is nothing without a boy.

I checked Wiki to see if she is a mom. I was happy to see she has three sons and luckily, no daughters. She has already taught enough girls they are worthless unless they have a boyfriend.

I am done live tweeting Twilight for awhile. I am almost done with the second book but am starting to feel bad I am making so much fun of a children’s book. It was never written with me in mind as the audience. I may resume just to see what happens in Book 4 but my mind has turned to mush in the last week.

One more Twilight thought. It was a brilliant idea for a book. Take two males from warring factions and have them fall in love with the same girl. It could have been as beloved as Harry Potter if, A) she was a competent writer, B) she gave some thought how to cover up the plot holes that you could shoot a North Korea missile through and C) her two main characters weren’t so thoroughly unlikeable.

Now go have your daughters read John Green. Any of his YA books will do but The Fault In Our Stars is brilliant.

And one more. Stephenie Meyer is worth over $125 million.

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3 comments on “Twilight

  1. Pingback: 6 reasons why Edward Cullen is better than Adam Norwood~by Starshelle | The Twilight Fun Blog

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